It’s been a very, very long two months.

To be eating badly and not exercising – I am feeling every damn day of it. 

ATM we’re home on two weeks R&R, and we’re lapping it up. The worst thing about it is that we have to go back and do it all again, but we I need to push that to the back of my mind and just enjoy the now for what it is – which is the best way to live.

As I’ve bleated in my Tumblr (and should’ve done so here… the words just went on and on and on!), the food has been bad for me. And while there’s a certain amount of ‘suck it’ that I had to do, I really believe that I could have been doing things better (chocolate sugar laden drinks. Really?), and I have plans in place for when I get back. It’s just so easy to be lazy out there – conservation of resources and all – but it’s not a war, it’s not ‘for real’, and yes, I can afford to miss a meal or two without fainting from hunger. As for exercise… I really miss it. Mentally as well as physically, and I need to lift my game up. All those things I said I was going to do, I’ve done maybe 4 days out there. Out of 45, that’s pretty bullshit.

So, it’s time to take control – again – and be a bit more responsible. Six more weeks is not so long compared with the next phase, so I am sure I can cope.

On the plus side, my eating has gone back to normal at home, which I thought it would. I want healthy foods, and snacks, and drink way more water again – so at the end of the day, it’s not ME that’s driving this crap, it’s the circumstance, which is very comforting. I can do better than I have been, and I will do better. Hell, even if I only do two lots of situps and pushups a day, it’s more than I’ve been doing. And if I write it down, then I’m accountable. Right?

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Monday, Monday…

Oh what a day! 

Started off well, and then began to deteriorate 30 minutes in… My waddle this morning that I thought I was pushing myself on? Not to the point of exhaustion, but at least a decent clip? Yeah, no. Turns out it was the same as every other damn speed I do. Well, that’s not strictly true, because it’s a the faster end of the scale so I really have nothing to be down on my ass about – but it felt like I was running!

Okay. Now that I look at it, it’s not really so bad at all. My pace was 6:01 min/k, and my best to date (I think) is 5:51, then 5:57 – so it’s nothing to sneeze at. I’ll stop whinging about it now.

In other news…

I need a root canal, and apparently have done so since 2010. Shits me to tears, as it doesn’t hurt and isn’t giving me any grief, but it’s something I have to have done if I want to go and play out in the weeds with the big kids. Tell you what though, if I was paying for it, I wouldn’t be having it done! Tomorrow morning at 0730 I have to be back for it, so I’m actually lucky that he’s going to squeeze me in quickly, otherwise it’d be months away, and I wouldn’t be able to go play while I was waiting.

No running for me tomorrow. I might take my togs in to work and do something after work for a bit. Mind you, if my brain feels like tonight (ie. Like it’s been sucked out my left ear, shaken violently and put back through my right ear) then I won’t much feel like it. I need to maintain the rage though.

Today’s been pretty good on the food front. I said ‘No’ to a particularly yummy looking choc cake and custard in the fridge at work, and luckily I’d run out of mega sugary museli bars in my drawer. I really felt like miso soup, but had none on me (have fixed this by throwing two sachets in my bag for tomorrow!), and I was still strong! Lunch was a meal replacement and a very small portion of leftovers from last night, so I was happy with that. Since coming home I’ve eaten jerky (we’re making some to take with us. IF it lasts that long!) and Allbran (okay, it’s bad. I know it’s full of sugar – but it gets me going… if you know what I mean!!). Think I’ll have another shake for dinner and some veges. I’ll take the chicken for lunch tomorrow – assuming I’m up to chewing that is!

Sunday already??

I slept like a rock! Literally – I still feel like I’m asleep even after a coffee, and that’s not a good feeling!

Went to see the Hunger Games last night, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Having said that, I haven’t read the book… my daughter has, and she was less than impressed with the movie. She also liked Avatar though, so I’m saying she gets her odd taste in movies off her father 🙂 Still not sure if I’d buy the movie on DVD (maybe I will), but I wouldn’t go to see it again at the flicks. Mind you, there aren’t many I’d see more than once (George of the Jungle and The Wall being the leaders to date), but it was an okay 2.5 hours. Seen much worse.

And I ate an icecream, and shared some popcorn. I wasn’t going to, and then remembered I’d been looking forward to it all bloody week, and that I’d most likely regret it later and eat shit to compensate – so I ate it. And I’m heavier this morning, but I don’t regret it cos it was damn fine! And now, I’m getting my gear on, and going for a waddle 🙂

Wish me luck!!

Okay, I got this.

Things I’ve been eating lately and know I shouldn’t be:

ice cream (even the soy stuff)
chocolate (even the sugar free diary free stuff)
biscuits and cake (they’re just so not worth it anyway)
bread (how about we go back to 2 slices on the weekends, hmmm?)
juice (remember how grossly sweet and thick it tasted? Before you drank the rest of the carton that is!)
huge meals (are just bullshit. You know it. Portion size is the BOMB!)

There you go. It’s all out there in all its awful truth.

And I need to remember that people out there have it way worse than me as far as eating habits and addictions go. So STFU and get on with the program.

 20 days till D Day. That’s Departure Day. 🙂

Enough is enough.

I have spent the better part of the past two months making excuses for my eating and lack of exercise, and I’m over it.

I’m heavier. I’m flabbier. I’m eating badly. I’m not exercising properly.  I’m not enjoying my life (or my body) as much as I did a few months back. And I’m sick of it.

‘Because I’m going away’ should not be an excuse.
‘Because I’m away’ should not be an excuse.
‘Because I’m back’ should not be an excuse.

In fact, not only should they not be an excuse, I will not allow ANY of the above to be an excuse anymore – not for my eating, nor for my exercise.  They can be challenges, but my god, they will not be excuses! No more!!

This week for example – I was feeling sluggish and not comfy in my body. Yesterday, I thought I’d eaten relatively well by dinner, then I looked back and looked critically at it. For breakfast, I had Allbran and milk. Many people would think ‘And??’, but I know that Allbran has too much sugar in it for me, and too many calories. Cows milk I’m not supposed to drink (and boy, the snot this morning running down my throat reminded me very insistently!). Piece of fruit for morning tea, and my nuts. Check – that much is okay. Before lunch, a meal replacement shake. Not so bad, but then I went and ate lunch as well. Not a big lunch, and at least I managed to resist the bread for the first time in days, but I really needed to have one or the other, not both. Afternoon snack – two twin packs of biscuits and a piece of cake (little serves in packets). Again, not bad for many people, for me – complete bullshit. Didn’t need to eat them, didn’t even particularly want them, but they were there. Why? Cos I grabbed them myself when I left the mess (food hall) at lunch. After work, a peanut butter and jam sandwhich on my fav seeded bread. Mhmm. Maybe for lunch, but not as a ‘just because I like eating it’ snack – that’s just CRAZY!! Out to dinner before a show: he had creamy pasta, I had pizza. Proper pizza… thin and crispy base with not much on top. Again, not bad, but given I had more than half of it, again, waaaay too excessive.

I did not bust my ass off to lose weight by eating well and exercising only to sabotage myself. That’s how I got overweight and sad in the first place! Denial. So, the denial is over. There are no excuses, there is only myself. I am responsible for what I do and how I behave, and I am answerable only to myself. I deserve better than what I am letting myself be at the moment, and it’s time to change.

I have two weeks left before I go away for the better part of four months. That’ll be four months of having no time to myself, of having meals prepared for me (if I’m really unlucky. If I’m lucky then we’ll have individual rations – at least I get to pick what I want to eat and when!), of eating food that’s designed for people doing strenuous labour, not sitting on your ass on a computer for 13hrs a day, of three choices of carb in the one meal. Of not being able to run (some say we will do some running, personally I’ve never had the time or the opportunity), of not being able to train properly. Of not being able to SHOWER after any activity I will get to manage!

Currently I’m looking up activities I can do using my own body weight, and thinking short bursts of activity over the course of a day might be the thing to plan at this stage – remembering I’ll have boots and a uniform on… so no jumping jacks (hate those fuckers anyway, even in bare feet!), plus the ground is likely to be rocky. The other thing I’m going to do is take a tape measure. I’ll measure all of me before I go, and just keep an eye on one or two measurements while I’m out there.  That will have to suffice.

Okay, enough. My mind is made up, and I’m made of steel. Time to move on.

Day 1 of the 21 Day yoga challenge!

Personally, I don’t have a lot of faith in myself. I meant to do it this morning when I woke up, but decided a coffee and snuggle was more important. hehe

So, I did it tonight. After one bowl of soup, and before another. Actually, I made myself do it before I had a second bowl (which was even better than the first – true story!), and I still ate too much. Might have to go to the Japanese size bowls for a smaller portion size! Guess what I’m taking to work for lunch tomorrow? More soup! Breakfast tomorrow will be eggs- my fav little protein packs- and dinner will be STEAK with lots and lots of vegetables. Funny how meat and three veg used to be a staple when I was a kid: now it’s so damn dear it’s a treat. Shame really.

Oh, we’re going fishing on the weekend too, hopefully to catch something to supplement the diet. I do like fish, but fresh fish; I’ve had nothing but bad experiences with store brought fish (from a supermarket though, not a fish monger), so I tend to just miss out. The lush of my life said he’ll make me a salmon steak from the shop though, which will be interesting. I have only ever had preprepared salmon (either tinned or vacuum packed), never home cooked – hope I like it! I have a little smoker at home too, so if we do manage to catch a fish to keep, we may get to smoke some… haven’t had it in such a long time… mmmmm… Fish… mmmmmm

 

And for dessert…

A whole tub of soy yoghurt over frozen berries. Not a big fan of the berries, but apparently they’re all the rage on the ‘Things you SHOULD eat’ lists all over the place, and they were on special, so…
But I don’t think I’ll bother again. It’s money that I don’t really need to be eating.

Sorry, no pic. I eated it.

 

My bad…

I have been getting a bit blasé with blogging lately – but I assure you I’m still here, and still thinking about it – just not doing it. My bad.

The ride to work went very well. I’d estimated it would take me about 45 minutes (he’d take less normally, due to the fact he’s a. younger b. fitter and c. has a bike with gears), and came in pretty much on time. Interestingly enough, the ride home was uphill (well, there was a definite up slope!) and into a head wind, plus I had already ridden there and done my half hour in the gym (I was norty. She said ‘Up weight or reps’, so I did both. And cos I did, she had to. And could only manage two rounds instead of three. My bad again. hehehe), yet the time was about the same. I had a sore butt from the seat – I hope the calluses come back pretty quick smart!

Tomorrow’s my first day back after what has seemed like forever off work,  yet has only been two weeks. I’m glad, because I’m feeling relatively refreshed – although I daresay that will have worn off by the end of the month. I’ll take the car in tomorrow as I have to take my uniforms in, but I intend to ride at least one day each week, to save on fuel costs rather than any exercise value (that’s just a little added bonus!). I’ve been shopping for my lunch stuff already, so I should be all good to go. I plan on doing PT each morning (maybe not when I ride, I’ll see how I hold up), and shall attempt to remain of good cheer and mental flexibility. If nothing else, I shall try and at least *start* the day with empathy, enthusiasm and energy. Mhmm. We’ll see how long it takes me to forget that…

Eating wise, I’m trying to cut back on the starches again, to see how that affects my weight. I’m doing okay with the maintaining so far, but I feel I could do with being a bit less flabby, so there’s still some way to go. I came across the USDA National Nutrient Database for Standard Reference today, as I was looking for information on vegetables and their starch content. What a treasure trove of information! I was looking at the myriad of information types, and pages, and tables and graphs – hours later I had to peel myself away… there’s so much there, plus I’m yet to delve into the agricultural side of it, which I also have an interest in. I’ll be going back there repeatedly, I can see that! As for the vegetables, I’m just going to wing it. I’ll look at what’s ‘better’ and eat more of that, and if it’s ‘worse’, then I’ll eat less of it. I think if I leave out the whole grain stuff for a while that will have an affect – if not, then it’s not that, and I’ll go back to eating it. Sounds like a plan?

You know something? I’m not going to the gym this morning. And I’m not going running either.

You know why? Because I half feel like going. My reasoning? If I feel like half going today, then I’ll feel like fully going tomorrow, then I’ll work my ass off and give 120% instead of 40%today.

It’s my logic. It works for me…

Honestly, I’m feeling much improved over yesterday. Sometimes I think you just have to die in the ass to get back up on top again, particularly when you’re just paddling enough to keep afloat. The lush of my life has to travel away overnight again (please – NO Krispy Kremes!), so I’ve been awake since 4am to get him off to the airport. Plenty of time for me to go for a run in the ‘cool’ of the day (if 29C can be considered cool at 7am?), then the gym, then showered and off to the movies with the child and workmates. So, because I feel capable of cramming all of those activities into such a short time frame, I’m not going to. I know I can do it, and I know if I don’t take time off to smell the roses, then they’ll all be dead before I get around to it. Metaphorically speaking… I don’t think I’ve seen a rose plant up here!

So today, I’m going to bludge, go to the flicks, eat healthy (and no, no ice cream for me today – I got one the other week without seeing a movie, and I don’t feel like one. No popcorn either, cos there’s no off switch when it comes to movie popcorn!), maybe tidy, maybe not, finish my budget planner, cook a supah healthy dinner (and take a photo of said dinner to prove I did it. He worries that I don’t look after myself when he’s not here, and if I show him I do, then I have to do it. That’s me imposing the photo deal – keeps me honest. He knows damn well I won’t do it otherwise, he”s not silly… lol). I might think of some goals I’d like to achieve in 2012 as far as health and fitness go, but I’ve only got 2 so far. We’ll see.

Woke up exhausted today…

and despite waking just about every night for hours, and usually waking up tired, this was an absolutely exhausted waking.

I’m not mentally in a bad place, so it can’t be depression or variants thereof… and I certainly haven’t done anything physically taxing, which is a different ‘in your bones’ exhaustion… it’s a more of an ‘I’m completely fucked and can’t move my ass’ kind of exhaustion. The only thing I can put it down to is my eating habits of late – although generally healthy, I’ve not been eating anywhere near enough greens or vegetables in the past week.

I was sposed to be going to the gym with my friend today. I spent an hour devising a nasty routine yesterday. It took me half an hour to drink my coffee. I don’t *feel* sick, but I really want to roll over and sleep again, so I begged off. We’re buying a new car today – that should be exciting enough for anyone, but I want to put my head under a pillow… The man of my dreams made me breakfast. Liver and bacon and onions, and although I wasn’t hungry (which is wrong, cos it’s past breakfast time), I took a mouthful and chewed. And it was the best breakfast ever, and I devoured the lot in minutes – so I’m thinking ‘Maybe I’m not eating properly, and maybe I need to keep an eye on that’.

I’m still tired, but I think I can function. Hell, I hope so. We’ve got a car to buy!