Where to start?

It seems like I’ve been away forever, and I’m not sure that I like that, so I’m just jumping in the deep end again. forgive me if I bore you.

I did my 12K or so run, and then went back out field. Although I tried to be ‘good’ and ‘behave’ and ‘try harder’, I failed. I put on weight just through eating too much, the wrong food, and not exercising.

Around 5 kilos all up.

And I hate  it. I hate that I was weak, and I hate that I make excuses when there really is none except my own lack of willpower and drive.  I hate that I don’t like my body anymore, whereas before I enjoyed looking at how much it had changed in the mirror, now it just looks like it did when I was unfit and very overweight. I hate that I can’t see the effort I’ve made anymore. I hate that I hate. Argh! It goes on and on and on!!

What am I going to do about it then, you may ask? Well. The first step was to get back onto the ‘eating what I’m supposed to eat’ wagon, which I’m pleased to say, has been pretty much ticked off. All I need to do is stop pretending that I can get away with the odd piece of bread here and there, and I’ll have it wrapped up.

The next step is the exercise. I will admit, I’ve been home for a few weeks now, and it’s slowly (oh.so.slowly) starting to come back to me. The past week, I’ve tried to do something everyday – which is harder than usual because we haven’t had too many PT sessions at work (so that’s an hour per day usually that I’m now working instead of exercising), and I have to make the time up after work. I’m sure you all know how hard it is exercising when you’re tired and cranky and would love to just have a beer and fall into a coma… That kinda hard. But I’ve been waddling here and there, and doing some kettlebell and tabata and sprints and ab exercises with the lush of my life (who lets me drag him into these things – poor love!), and the act of simply DOING these things is improving my mental state, if not my physical one yet. Yesterday I had the first run in three weeks that I actually enjoyed, and I’m glad I did, because it was starting to get a little disheartening (a bit like the Olympic walkers who walk faster, and further, than I run!). I will keep chipping away, and I’m sure there will be some results soon. Failing that, I’ll just keep doing it, because it suits my headspace 🙂

Finally, I need to get onto my portion size, particularly at lunch. I’ve been a bit lot lazy lately, and have been paying for lunch at the mess. While the food is usually of a very high standard, and healthy enough, I have a tendency to take more than I should.  I really will have to start making our lunches again, or get him to dish my food out instead! The other reason to make lunches of course is the cost. Although I can buy a crappy salad for $8 from the local shop (who SWEAR they’re not scalping soldiers. Mhmm. I call bullshit on that one!), lunch at the mess is $6 for a large plate of hot food, then there’s a salad bar as well… and for 2 of us, that’s $60 a fortnight, which is a carton of beer.  I’d rather spend the money on beer, despite it being bad for me. My excuse is that I’ll be drinking ‘near beer’ for the next 7 months real soon. My alter-excuse is I like near beer, and that’s just as bad for me, even if it is non alcoholic! I’m going to aim for once a fortnight treat. We’ll see how that one pans out 🙂

Enough is enough.

I have spent the better part of the past two months making excuses for my eating and lack of exercise, and I’m over it.

I’m heavier. I’m flabbier. I’m eating badly. I’m not exercising properly.  I’m not enjoying my life (or my body) as much as I did a few months back. And I’m sick of it.

‘Because I’m going away’ should not be an excuse.
‘Because I’m away’ should not be an excuse.
‘Because I’m back’ should not be an excuse.

In fact, not only should they not be an excuse, I will not allow ANY of the above to be an excuse anymore – not for my eating, nor for my exercise.  They can be challenges, but my god, they will not be excuses! No more!!

This week for example – I was feeling sluggish and not comfy in my body. Yesterday, I thought I’d eaten relatively well by dinner, then I looked back and looked critically at it. For breakfast, I had Allbran and milk. Many people would think ‘And??’, but I know that Allbran has too much sugar in it for me, and too many calories. Cows milk I’m not supposed to drink (and boy, the snot this morning running down my throat reminded me very insistently!). Piece of fruit for morning tea, and my nuts. Check – that much is okay. Before lunch, a meal replacement shake. Not so bad, but then I went and ate lunch as well. Not a big lunch, and at least I managed to resist the bread for the first time in days, but I really needed to have one or the other, not both. Afternoon snack – two twin packs of biscuits and a piece of cake (little serves in packets). Again, not bad for many people, for me – complete bullshit. Didn’t need to eat them, didn’t even particularly want them, but they were there. Why? Cos I grabbed them myself when I left the mess (food hall) at lunch. After work, a peanut butter and jam sandwhich on my fav seeded bread. Mhmm. Maybe for lunch, but not as a ‘just because I like eating it’ snack – that’s just CRAZY!! Out to dinner before a show: he had creamy pasta, I had pizza. Proper pizza… thin and crispy base with not much on top. Again, not bad, but given I had more than half of it, again, waaaay too excessive.

I did not bust my ass off to lose weight by eating well and exercising only to sabotage myself. That’s how I got overweight and sad in the first place! Denial. So, the denial is over. There are no excuses, there is only myself. I am responsible for what I do and how I behave, and I am answerable only to myself. I deserve better than what I am letting myself be at the moment, and it’s time to change.

I have two weeks left before I go away for the better part of four months. That’ll be four months of having no time to myself, of having meals prepared for me (if I’m really unlucky. If I’m lucky then we’ll have individual rations – at least I get to pick what I want to eat and when!), of eating food that’s designed for people doing strenuous labour, not sitting on your ass on a computer for 13hrs a day, of three choices of carb in the one meal. Of not being able to run (some say we will do some running, personally I’ve never had the time or the opportunity), of not being able to train properly. Of not being able to SHOWER after any activity I will get to manage!

Currently I’m looking up activities I can do using my own body weight, and thinking short bursts of activity over the course of a day might be the thing to plan at this stage – remembering I’ll have boots and a uniform on… so no jumping jacks (hate those fuckers anyway, even in bare feet!), plus the ground is likely to be rocky. The other thing I’m going to do is take a tape measure. I’ll measure all of me before I go, and just keep an eye on one or two measurements while I’m out there.  That will have to suffice.

Okay, enough. My mind is made up, and I’m made of steel. Time to move on.