Where to start?

It seems like I’ve been away forever, and I’m not sure that I like that, so I’m just jumping in the deep end again. forgive me if I bore you.

I did my 12K or so run, and then went back out field. Although I tried to be ‘good’ and ‘behave’ and ‘try harder’, I failed. I put on weight just through eating too much, the wrong food, and not exercising.

Around 5 kilos all up.

And I hate  it. I hate that I was weak, and I hate that I make excuses when there really is none except my own lack of willpower and drive.  I hate that I don’t like my body anymore, whereas before I enjoyed looking at how much it had changed in the mirror, now it just looks like it did when I was unfit and very overweight. I hate that I can’t see the effort I’ve made anymore. I hate that I hate. Argh! It goes on and on and on!!

What am I going to do about it then, you may ask? Well. The first step was to get back onto the ‘eating what I’m supposed to eat’ wagon, which I’m pleased to say, has been pretty much ticked off. All I need to do is stop pretending that I can get away with the odd piece of bread here and there, and I’ll have it wrapped up.

The next step is the exercise. I will admit, I’ve been home for a few weeks now, and it’s slowly (oh.so.slowly) starting to come back to me. The past week, I’ve tried to do something everyday – which is harder than usual because we haven’t had too many PT sessions at work (so that’s an hour per day usually that I’m now working instead of exercising), and I have to make the time up after work. I’m sure you all know how hard it is exercising when you’re tired and cranky and would love to just have a beer and fall into a coma… That kinda hard. But I’ve been waddling here and there, and doing some kettlebell and tabata and sprints and ab exercises with the lush of my life (who lets me drag him into these things – poor love!), and the act of simply DOING these things is improving my mental state, if not my physical one yet. Yesterday I had the first run in three weeks that I actually enjoyed, and I’m glad I did, because it was starting to get a little disheartening (a bit like the Olympic walkers who walk faster, and further, than I run!). I will keep chipping away, and I’m sure there will be some results soon. Failing that, I’ll just keep doing it, because it suits my headspace 🙂

Finally, I need to get onto my portion size, particularly at lunch. I’ve been a bit lot lazy lately, and have been paying for lunch at the mess. While the food is usually of a very high standard, and healthy enough, I have a tendency to take more than I should.  I really will have to start making our lunches again, or get him to dish my food out instead! The other reason to make lunches of course is the cost. Although I can buy a crappy salad for $8 from the local shop (who SWEAR they’re not scalping soldiers. Mhmm. I call bullshit on that one!), lunch at the mess is $6 for a large plate of hot food, then there’s a salad bar as well… and for 2 of us, that’s $60 a fortnight, which is a carton of beer.  I’d rather spend the money on beer, despite it being bad for me. My excuse is that I’ll be drinking ‘near beer’ for the next 7 months real soon. My alter-excuse is I like near beer, and that’s just as bad for me, even if it is non alcoholic! I’m going to aim for once a fortnight treat. We’ll see how that one pans out 🙂

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It’s been a very, very long two months.

To be eating badly and not exercising – I am feeling every damn day of it. 

ATM we’re home on two weeks R&R, and we’re lapping it up. The worst thing about it is that we have to go back and do it all again, but we I need to push that to the back of my mind and just enjoy the now for what it is – which is the best way to live.

As I’ve bleated in my Tumblr (and should’ve done so here… the words just went on and on and on!), the food has been bad for me. And while there’s a certain amount of ‘suck it’ that I had to do, I really believe that I could have been doing things better (chocolate sugar laden drinks. Really?), and I have plans in place for when I get back. It’s just so easy to be lazy out there – conservation of resources and all – but it’s not a war, it’s not ‘for real’, and yes, I can afford to miss a meal or two without fainting from hunger. As for exercise… I really miss it. Mentally as well as physically, and I need to lift my game up. All those things I said I was going to do, I’ve done maybe 4 days out there. Out of 45, that’s pretty bullshit.

So, it’s time to take control – again – and be a bit more responsible. Six more weeks is not so long compared with the next phase, so I am sure I can cope.

On the plus side, my eating has gone back to normal at home, which I thought it would. I want healthy foods, and snacks, and drink way more water again – so at the end of the day, it’s not ME that’s driving this crap, it’s the circumstance, which is very comforting. I can do better than I have been, and I will do better. Hell, even if I only do two lots of situps and pushups a day, it’s more than I’ve been doing. And if I write it down, then I’m accountable. Right?

Monday, Monday…

Oh what a day! 

Started off well, and then began to deteriorate 30 minutes in… My waddle this morning that I thought I was pushing myself on? Not to the point of exhaustion, but at least a decent clip? Yeah, no. Turns out it was the same as every other damn speed I do. Well, that’s not strictly true, because it’s a the faster end of the scale so I really have nothing to be down on my ass about – but it felt like I was running!

Okay. Now that I look at it, it’s not really so bad at all. My pace was 6:01 min/k, and my best to date (I think) is 5:51, then 5:57 – so it’s nothing to sneeze at. I’ll stop whinging about it now.

In other news…

I need a root canal, and apparently have done so since 2010. Shits me to tears, as it doesn’t hurt and isn’t giving me any grief, but it’s something I have to have done if I want to go and play out in the weeds with the big kids. Tell you what though, if I was paying for it, I wouldn’t be having it done! Tomorrow morning at 0730 I have to be back for it, so I’m actually lucky that he’s going to squeeze me in quickly, otherwise it’d be months away, and I wouldn’t be able to go play while I was waiting.

No running for me tomorrow. I might take my togs in to work and do something after work for a bit. Mind you, if my brain feels like tonight (ie. Like it’s been sucked out my left ear, shaken violently and put back through my right ear) then I won’t much feel like it. I need to maintain the rage though.

Today’s been pretty good on the food front. I said ‘No’ to a particularly yummy looking choc cake and custard in the fridge at work, and luckily I’d run out of mega sugary museli bars in my drawer. I really felt like miso soup, but had none on me (have fixed this by throwing two sachets in my bag for tomorrow!), and I was still strong! Lunch was a meal replacement and a very small portion of leftovers from last night, so I was happy with that. Since coming home I’ve eaten jerky (we’re making some to take with us. IF it lasts that long!) and Allbran (okay, it’s bad. I know it’s full of sugar – but it gets me going… if you know what I mean!!). Think I’ll have another shake for dinner and some veges. I’ll take the chicken for lunch tomorrow – assuming I’m up to chewing that is!

And in other news:

I am now part of the triathlon team at work! We have compulsory sports on Tue and Thurs, and must align ourselves with a sanctioned activity – unfortunately in my line of work the chances of me having to work are about 50/50, so it’s unfair to let a team down. We office types like to run, because we can do it as an individual or as a group, for as long or as short as we want, and when we found out the tri team was points based, we were in!

Apparently there are plenty of people who don’t swim or don’t ride, and I guess there will be some odd sods that don’t run, so they distribute points for the activity you do, and the individual points contribute to the team score. I thought it was a fantastic idea – it gives you motivation without making you feel bad for having to work through, and lets you be part of a team anyway! I was planning on swimming tomorrow, but the boss said I have to work.

So I said ‘Fine. I’ll run during my lunch break.’

(I’m also contemplating a new bike when I get back from my field trip in July. I think the lush of my life would like me to go as fast as him. He’s so sweet!)

Tuesday: Doneski!

Rose early with the intent that today was ‘Ride to Work’ day. Realised about 20 mins before leaving home that I have no lights for my bike – and it was still pitch black. After assessing the situation (ie googling the local sunrise time and the fact that people in Darwin rarely ride with helmets, let alone lights), we decided it was safe enough to ride in on the bike track, rather than the road (I don’t bounce well).

So off we set. The temperature was bearable, there was enough light to see the path (and oncoming cyclists without lights!), and it was lovely. Got to work in a reasonable time, and did a slow 5K run for PT. Tried my first informal spin class at lunchtime, and have decided that there is no way I will EVER enjoy that crap. All the water I imbibed after my ride and run – gone. It wasn’t even hard, and I was struggling. I will do better next time, now that I know what it involves, and yes, I WILL do it again. But I won’t like it. Oh, and then we did 8 minute abs after that, just so we could feel REALLY incompetent and unfit! *sigh*

My day was spent largely avoiding work again. I’m now pretty much down to counting how many hours I can get away with it, and I spent some of those hours looking into triathalons. I’ve decided I’d like to do a ‘try-tri’ – there’s no way I could swim 750m, and I refuse to pay the association money for a one off thing, so I’ll make my own shit up. I’m good like that. The goal shall be to swim-bike-run, just to see how it feels. It’s supposed to be less strain on the body than single activities, and less injuries are sustained by triatheletes. Apparently. According to the bible Wikipedia anyway – which is good enough for me! No idea of when said event shall occur or over what distances, I shall have to give it some more thought.

After my peaceful work day and early knock off, the lush of my life and I set out on our return trip. Given that it was pleasant enough this morning, there was no reason to think that it wouldn’t be similar on our return. Mhmm. And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is where we went wrong. Not only did we have to take the long way (due to the side gate being closed due to the early departure time), it’s uphill. Not hugely, but that slow, slight, never fucking ending uphill that makes you want to rip the arms and legs off teddy bears. And to make matters worse, there was a strong headwind. Worse  still, it was a hot headwind. It was GROSS. The lovely ride we had this morning, was uphill for large straights – didn’t even notice the downhill on the way in, that’s how slight it was. Sure as shit wasn’t that slight on the way home!

Anyway, we beat the storm home. It started to spit as we pulled into the house, and that’s actually all it did. For all it’s piss and blustery bullshit, there wasn’t a decent drop of rain in it.

Darwin is SUCH a funny place. I love it here.

 

Need to get back on track.

And finding it too hard. Too tired. Too hungry. Too stressed. Too lazy… I have a million excuses when I stop and think about it.

Yesterday for PT, I walked. Okay, so I walked about 4K and it was hot and humid and I was sweating muh ass off, but at the time, it was the right decision. Now, I’m not so sure.

I made the declaration as I was walking out of work yesterday that I wasn’t going to do PT this morning, that I was too busy – and as I lie here in bed at (holy shit Batman – srsly??) 4am, I’m thinking I’m just making excuses. The pissed offedness I feel with work at the moment is *my* problem. They’re not going to change. And all it’s going to do is eat away at me until I’m strung out and miserable and start affecting my wonderful home life – so I need to change the way I’m looking at it. What I really need to do is be able to “woooo-saaaah”, and just say “fuck it. this job is like that”, and just get on with my shit.

So, todays PT is supposed to be an extended session, and we’re supposed to live in PT gear for the rest of the day, which isn’t going to work for me because yesterdays gear is still in a ball at the bottom of my bag – my bad – and I’m thinking ‘Hell, I may as well go and see what they’ve got planned. I’m not getting in any cross training at the moment, so this may be an opportunity to do some’.

The cynic in me is saying ‘They’re all too lazy to organise a basic circuit, so it’ll be minor team games. Again.’

The new improved me is thinking ‘Maybe I’m not too lazy to organise a basic circuit. Minor team games be damned. I’m taking my homies to the gym – even if it’s just 100s!’. Work be damned, it will still be there in 1 hr, in 2 hrs, next week. I miss my workouts more than I miss my work!

 

 

I am not sure if I am pleased with myself for apparently motivating myself out of my doldrums, or if it’s the insomnia talking. I’m glad I wrote it down so I can re-read it in an hour or so…

All in all, a good week :)

The running has been going well – I’m doing about 4K per day, plus 5 mins of pilates at the end of it (and yes, even with that little amount I’m noticing differences, that’s why I’ll try and keep it up!) – and so’s the eating.

For the most part. Yesterday I will admit I indulged in 2 doughnuts from Krispy Kreme (my 2nd and 3rd this year (I *think*), so it’s not like it’s a habit); my favourite is strawberry, then I had a half a chocolate topped chocolate doughnut, and half a round one with some sweet stuff inside (not custard though). I enjoyed them very much, and surprisingly, I wanted to go back and eat more (DAMN HIM for buying a box!), but I didn’t. I let myself have these treats when they are available and when I feel like them, but I’m not going to eat them just for the sake of eating them. I’m just greatful there’s no Krispy Kreme shop at the airport here!!

Oh, and I had half a martini. And I stopped at that half – and so did he – so that was a big win for me. Didn’t particularly notice the effect (which was great considering how crap I felt last time – maybe the doughnuts and sugar helped??), but I did drop off to sleep a little earlier. Unfortunately I’m also awake at 2am again, but at least that’s within my ‘normal’ range!

Hopefully today will pass quickly, I’ll get knocked off at lunch, and then I can go do those things that I need to do. :))

Will plan for a long run this weekend, we’ll see how that monsoon looks though – there was a huge lightening storm the other evening, and people got trapped in lifts all over town – very scary!